floating

2006/08/28

breathe in

I have been breathing. Hardly, but I have.
It just seemed the more I wanted the more the air refused to get in. Maybe it was scared that it’ll get lost in the vacuum of my lungs. Scared to surrender.
I was breathing shallowly, but enough to keep myself alive, enough to embrace the warm sweet oxygen pure that came when ready.
I never needed more than to be, just to breathe, but my materia prima demands more and my inherent aptitude that drives my id with eros and tanatos (sexual and aggressive nature) must be suppressed by my ego and super-ego and I have to put off the need for air in order to survive. I have to wait for the darkness to come to be granted a breath. Maybe even allowed to sit down and breathe deeply.
I’m getting used to keeping the air in for a longer time and not breathing, but the time will come when I’ll have to keep it in shall hardly afford any deep breaths before that. I’m not sure I will survive this airless wave: this time it won’t be seconds, minutes, hours, days it will be months, maybe even years.
Not even little sins, not even sneaking out and taking a little breath will suffice (what if it appeals me too much? What if…).
Choking, struggling for air, a clean breath will give the world new colors, a change. Maybe I will learn to live my death fully. Maybe I won’t long for the feeling of life anymore.
Will the air miss being consumed by me? Would it ever admit that?

posted by calamity @ 8/28/2006 12:34:00 pm

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