floating

2006/09/20

period

I’m sitting here in our weekend house in piece and quiet. I did my chores and have time now to write what I wanted to write sometime ago.

There IS a difference between men and women.
PERIOD

I suffer from that difference more than most women and less than some. I always wanted to be a boy when I was younger.
There is a saying in our language that says if one gets on the other side of the rainbow one switches their gender. I always dreamt of doing that even after they told me that rainbows are optical delusions. I’m still so very fascinated when I see them. maybe I still believe they can help me in becoming somebody else, to reach the unreachable. Naturally I don’t wish I could switch sexes anymore. That wish vanished about 5 years ago. That was the first time I felt gorgeous in my skin, felt loved for who I was and not for who I could be.

But there comes a day or two each month when physical part of being a woman doesn’t flatter me. I turn into an unsatisfied pale creature with zits. It feels like all the blood from my body is vanishing being absorbed always in some kind of plastic. I feel that I’m empty no blood to run my organism just the pain. My lips are dry, if I bit them I would feel no pain bigger than I already feel no red fluid would rush out of the wound. My mind feels like I would be possessed by some kind of an evil demon: I hate myself, I hate the world, I hate the hatred, hate the pain, hate the state I’m in and yet I like my brain is floating in nothingness.
I try to lay down to release the tenseness in joints, but then all that pain moves to my stomach and grows there and grows and grows till it starts pressing on my back. The only thing left to do is cry in pain and try to repress it with thermoform and hot tea. I refuse to take pills as you may have noticed. I believe they are poisonous. Yes they help you with the pain but meanwhile they destroy your body: they consist of something that is eating your body away bit by bit. And this is why I take them only when the pain is at the top, when I crawl and cry tears so large they could use me to put down fire in Dalmatia. I stay tough for as long as I can, I know it won’t kill me.
When the first couple of critical days pass world seems brighter both to me and all the people who deal with me on daily basis. I can feel, my mind is defrosting, I am loved, I can love back, life is filling my lips again, my cheeks are red, strength is returning to my body. I survived again.

And after I survive something like this every month I don’t need some wise ass that can never go through this telling me how privileged women are. I don’t need someone telling me that I can lose my job if I have children at this moment. I don’t need someone telling me how I have to have children that this will fulfil my womanhood. And I don’t need some man telling me that a year of maternity leave is just too much.

I came to the point I never meant to go when I started writing, but I guess all of this falls into the same category.

posted by calamity @ 9/20/2006 09:50:00 pm

3 Comments:

At 25/9/06 7:37 am, Anonymous said…

The universal difference limits itself only upto the biological.... the perceptive one that you speak about is like any perception - diferring amongst individuals. It has nothing to do with the sexes.

Smile.
At 28/9/06 5:00 am, Kourtney said…

I just also finished my chores so now I can catch up on blogs!!!!! I couldn't agree with your last paragraph more!!! Well said :) Keep on smiling!
At 28/9/06 9:20 am, calamity said…

clown:
i agree with you on that but there comes a time when you feel so weak you try to blame others for the fact how your life is. on the other hand some people are judging others upon their sex and this affects others. but true we should all go above this
btw what hapened with your blog? do you stillwrite?

kourtney: i was a bit under the control of hormones, but there comes a time when i feeli need to utter my pain and be angry.

both of you: sorry for my late reply i wasn´t online these past few days, i was having a vacation on adriatic coast