floating

2006/07/17

I sit in my comfy chair and close my eyes.
Let the therapy start.
Peace. Silence.
Nothing but sounds of nature downloaded mp3 file playing on my computer.
Funny. I have nature right outside, yet I need my computer to play me some new age bullshit. I have THE REAL thing just outside.
Stop thinking, this is a therapy here, just relax.
My eyes are still closed, music in the back is still playing and I am waiting for my knight in shiny armor to come. But he isn’t coming, not anytime soon.
I’ll just have to sit here and wait, wait and end up being my own savior as I always have to be. If I had saved so many people, then hell, give ma a place to stand on and I will cure myself. No waiting. Depending on me is the best way. If not I only get hurt.
And yet I know that I can’t live as an island, I have no air to breathe, I would have to import it, I have to risk getting hurt in order to survive. And one day I will wake up and realize that the hurt is all I got.
Others have me, I can’t escape. Hands of other people are tearing my heart apart bit by bit. And I fell. I was defeated the moment when I first inhaled.
Now I have to live with it, have to have it or else I will suffocate while searching for the meaning that can never really be found.
I may live my life crying out loud, I may feel helpless, betrayed, but this is life, this is the only way to live and to embrace good as well.
I need to breathe…
I need to float…
I am nothing yet I am everything.
Everything is pouring from us, we give, we take, we empty ourselves more and more.
We fuck up and make it better or even not. We live with fear, with being cowards, with pain. We DO live. We struggle, although we never truly got to know a real struggle, we are better off than we thought.
And in the end we just float.

posted by calamity @ 7/17/2006 07:19:00 pm

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