floating

2006/06/25

One Year

Today has been on e year since my grandfather died. It has been one year. Loss, pain, growing up, responsibility - a new person.
How beautiful his face was and how still it stayed there in my arms. How long the drive to hospital was and he left there in my arms – forever.
How warm he still was when I hugged him and kissed him goodbye and how stiff when he laid in the coffin.
Would he ever let me kiss him otherwise? We never told how we feel about each other but it did show. What are words? Unimportant, empty attempt to say what you really mean…and still the only thing we can share with some people.
And he was gone…forever.
And left? The memories, the pain and the tombstone there to remind us…as we could ever forget, it was there an object, a thing that wanted to fool us into believing that he isn’t here anymore, that he is gone…how silly, how untrue. Can’t you see? He IS here, in our minds and still in our life. I despise the tombstone: it is there for everybody to cry there and then go home and forget again. I have him with me all the time; I don’t need the hypocrisy of the tombstone.

Why do we always say things when it is already too late? Why? Do we want to be nice to the dead by making them flawless?
I’m not being nice here, I’m being myself – honest.
You cared for me, you protected me, you wanted the best for me, I could rely on you…
And these are the things I try to find in the people around me, I’m always in the search for you. I did that when your materialistic form was still here, now I search for your spirit in others and I’m doing ok, but I know that everyone is unique and that I can have only a glimpse of you…and at least that is enough for me.

I still need that protection that I once got from you, you thought me to protect myself, but I still craze for it.

I try to find you although you are not here, I try to find an object that resembles you. I try to find it…but you have been here, with me, all the time.
You are a part of me and there is no better person to carry with me than you.

Thank you for making my growing-up life bearable, thank you for the support…thank you for the protection.

THANK YOU…I LOVE YOU

Float now.

posted by calamity @ 6/25/2006 09:34:00 pm

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