floating

2006/06/16

And then you say sweet dreams...

And I go to my bed, and I think…
Sweet dreams? How many times have I heard that phrase? Too many! Everyday twice I guess. It still doesn’t help. No phrase, no curse can be that strong to make my dreams sweet.
My dreams: I don’t remember them at all or I only remember the bad ones. Do I always have nightmares?
Aren’t dreams subconscious reflections of our day-to-day lives? Is my life a frightening dream? Can I feel only the pain? Is this why I do so many mistakes? Am I ruining my life just to feel something?
Questions! No answers!
Well I happen to love my life. I don’t think I’m self-destructive.
Maybe I’m the kind of a person who keeps the good things inside herself and chases the bad ones away by writing and maybe also with nightmares.
Such as dreaming a war that separates me from my loved ones – and only then I can see how much I love my family – I can’t get to them because the bridge leading me there is being bombed right in front of my eyes which fill with tears and I feel lost, there is no way home now. I fear of losing my family: I never had a real family I was a child, I mean I had one, but I grew up without a father and I guess when my stepfather came then I feeling like living in a family. I never knew how much all of that meant to me. Not before I dreamt my mother cheating with another man, that she wanted to break up the family, that no one wanted me, that I still needed them, that I am still a child, that I can’t grow up…just not right now…I woke up crying my eyes off. As I did when I dreamt my father was dying and I was so helpless.
How much fear!
Am I running away from fear in my life? Is that why it comes to hunt me down in my dreams?
I FEAR!
I fear for my love: Gogi is in some great trouble and only I know but I can’t reach him. I try to call him on my cell phone but I can’t find his number, it should be there… I try to type it out, but I never succeed, it’s always wrong and I try over and over and over again. I’m losing my mind, he could die any minute now and I can’t get this thing to work. I use the telephone. I fail I fail I fail. I feel like I’m losing him as I feel in another nightmare where he cheats one me, he just doesn’t care about me knowing his betrayal, he doesn’t care if I leave him or not, he doesn’t even care if I exist or not. But then when I wake up from these dreams in tears and shaking, ready to kill myself there he is: all loving, hugging me, kissing me, calling me silly and telling me not to worry – and I don’t fear anymore…Until I dream again.
I FEAR!
I fear that this beautiful life, this perfect love and this great person will vanish, will be taken away from me. I don’t think I deserve this life, I feel like it is a debt that I will have to pay anytime now.
And I fear.
I fear for myself, for my life.
There is this beautiful meadow, with flowers of all kinds, with pleasant smell and I run. There are daisies and the sun shines warmly. And suddenly my run becomes a run for my life: behind me there is a man chasing me with an axe, wanting to kill me. Panic! Run!
Run, run, run, run
Run away from here.
And now there is no where that I could run to. I stopped at this point and there is no way out. I’m standing on a top of the cliff – how deep the fall is, I turn around and there is that mad man, approaching me in order to kill me.
What can I do? What would be a better way to die? Should I take the jump or should I wait to butchered?
I never get to make the decision; I always wake up before that. But this feeling doesn’t go away it’s like swimming in a beautiful bleu ocean, you feel free and then suddenly there are thousands of poisonous snakes crawling all over my body. Should I stay still and drown? Should I shake them off? I just try something, it’s not swimming, it’s not shaking them off, but it keeps me alive, as they keep crawling all over my body and they do that the whole nightmare and none of them bites me, and it is so until I wake up.
Now I admit: I fear. I fear to lose everybody and everything that I love. Can you hear me nightmares? I fear! So don’t come again tomorrow or any other night. I fear of you too.
Sweet dreams? I wouldn’t say so.

posted by calamity @ 6/16/2006 10:05:00 pm

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