floating

2006/06/21

MY VOLUNTARY PRESCENCE

Living is defined as the experience of being alive; the course of human events and activities still in existence, still in active use, pursuing a positive and satisfying existence.
Thinking means to be endowed with the capacity to reason, have in mind as a purpose, have or formulate in the mind.
I being alive and I being a rational creature brings me here.
And I am here, present. We are here meeting on this blog. For how long?
Till the involuntary must comes and eats up my will to come, till I start faking it, till we all start faking it.

I don’t have to close my eyes cos’ I’m always here, I don’t have to dream away cos’ I don’t need dreams. No need to escape the cruel reality anymore, I don’t need to dream to feel free.
This is my will, this is my reality, this is my dream, I feel free.
There is no fear, sometimes we just need to give in and fully trust. Fully trust that some things are here to stay. That even though they are dreamlike they are real. And we just have to trust that they won’t fade out. And again we come to that point where we realize that all we have is trust, hope, faith if you wish, because things like that don’t come with guarantee. And this fact makes it all more special, stronger.
There is always a risk.
I don’t want to get out of this high state that I’m in, I don’t need more, that heroin has once changed my life, made it bearable, it has become my best friend. I don’t need more and I won’t agree on less.
What consequences could this bring? Does this even have a price? Whatever the price is - it is worth it.

There was this one test and they wanted to know if I have an addictive personality. I do. Even worse my addictions last forever. Even if I may seem cured I will just go back to my damnation – it will never end, it is more likely that it will cost me my life before that. Once an addict always an addict.
I feel the sting of the needle; I still taste the sweet flavor of the pill. I threw myself into the rising flames of addiction, they won’t kill me, they never could, because this could never be wrong.

And…
Only now I am a whole person, only this drug makes me who I really am. This is how I adapt, this is my life.

I trust…no matter how this may fuck me up.

I live.

posted by calamity @ 6/21/2006 09:28:00 pm

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