floating

2006/07/31

THE IMAGE IN THE MIRROR

Don't you sometimes wish that this creature would be your evil twin-sibling? Or at least that you would have split personalities so you couldn't be to blame for all the stupid things you do and bad decisions you make?!
We wish, we dream, we hope – possibilities.
But there comes a time when you have to accept yourself, when you have to accept the consequences of your doing.
You should take your chances, bet on yourself, or better…don’t, and then just step on the gas and make a game out of it. Laugh, be crazy, stare death into her eyes and find out what you are really made of. Put all your bullets in the fire and stand there – as metallica would say. Just bluff. Don’t think of worst case scenarios as you always do. Use your poker face, stare at them. They will give up if they see you are for real and this you must be: they have everything to lose and you have nothing.
Will you…won’t you…will you…won’t you…
Even if you are the only street lamp shinning at daylight no one will notice you’ll just expire quicker. Even if you think you are special you are not, until someone else thinks the same way.
And then again you find yourself staring into the mirror, realizing that the image is you, it has always been you. It is what you have become. And you fooled yourself to be different, you thought you were so wonderful and yet you have to look at the mirror to find out the truth about who you really are. And now you know…you failed to become what you could have be.

posted by calamity @ 7/31/2006 12:09:00 am 0 comments

2006/07/28

Love

Don't say anything: to world we are considered to be things, livestock. Soon they will be selling emotions, because love sells even if it can’t be called love if you try to sell it or give it value. Someday a guy will come to you and charge to you for his dirty talk with an excuse: “Love is the basis of dirty talk and love costs.”

It’s like a market, it’s like when Tolstoy in War And Piece wrote how girls ready to get married went on some ball to show off their “thing”. Nobody wants to wait for love to hit them, it’s just way easier to accept the price and take it to the next level.

And proposals…Something proposed (such as a plan or assumption). I mean what the hell. Why propose? Just marry me. Why make promises you can’t keep? You can? Then prove it. Don’t propose, just meet me in Vegas.

And why the hell would you ask my father? Do you wanna marry HIM? He’s not into that stuff man.

And yeah don’t try to buy me, cos’ you can’t. Well you could, but no money of yours comes in question. If you pull out a wallet you can’t buy me, if you bring a briefcase full of money you can’t buy me, if you empty your bank account you still can’t buy me.
Love is the price and money just spits on it

posted by calamity @ 7/28/2006 05:19:00 pm 2 comments

2006/07/25

Utopia

Utopia = An imaginary place considered to be perfect or ideal
Utopia, in its most common and general positive meaning, refers to the human efforts to create a better, or perhaps perfect society. Ideas which could be/are considered able to radically change our world are often called utopian ideas.
Utopia is the place that doesn’t exist.
The same bullshit as Weber’s ideal type.
The same as religion.

It is there to tell us what is perfect.
It is there to tell us, to remind us how far from perfect we drifted.

It is there described in words, you can almost feel it, but you can never have it – SELFISHNESS IS THE SIN.

We all are living a dream, our own little utopia, we all are there. It’s a non-real existence.
Our dreams are utopian, our existence is real (it is real in our metric system of reality, how we define real, everything is questionable…). We know we will never reach utopia, never fight for it , never even speak of it, even if we may secretly pursue it.

Utopija the Slovene version of the word carries a meaning close to English verb drown.
Drown your dreams, your thoughts, your opinion, drown yourself, do it just in order to keep material functioning.
Drown the island that never was, sink it let it meet Atlantis - beautiful islands let them be neighbors.
Drown your sorrows, your deafening silence, drown them all in gin. Escape…for how long?
Utopia I’ll do anything to come, I’ll try, I’ll do my best.
I MATTER.

posted by calamity @ 7/25/2006 10:12:00 pm 0 comments

GONE

I'm searching for you in the song of the cricket, I’m searching for you in the warm light of candle, I’m searching for you in colors of the wall…
The candle trembles, the crickets stop singing and there…I can see your face: smiling with such a soulful smile, you are happy. Although I’m sad of losing you, I’m happy to see you, your smile makes me smile, it makes my heart jump.
You are here the whole room is full of you, I can feel your presence, I tremble, it feels nice.
How can your reflection be so happy?
Did you achieve everything you wanted to? Did you fulfill your life purpose?
Is that why you’re not sad to leave her here, all by herself, all alone? Are you certain she will be ok? Or are you looking forward to your imminent encounter?
Is the way how I see your reflection only how I always saw you, how I still see you although there is not much to see anymore? There is only a beautiful dead corpse, all peaceful, but with a gentle smile. This is not you, I don’t believe it, it is not you, not anymore. You could never be so still, so quiet. Make a joke already, stand up and start laughing, make us laugh!!!
And you lie there without showing any concern of my wishes, her wishes, wishes of everyone around you.

This is the last time we toast to you, we feel like having a last drink together with you tonight. Since now you won’t be with us anymore, we will just have to carry you in our hearts.
Tečik you are the best. I never said this to you, I never admitted it. Maybe because you always seemed so sure about it, or maybe because we always had to tease each other…I don’t have to say it, you know…

posted by calamity @ 7/25/2006 09:27:00 pm 0 comments

2006/07/17

Just when you think I might, I won't.
And when you think I won’t, I just might.

This is me – unpredictable.
Don’t worry, I’m not harmful. I may seem like a monster, a witch, but it’s all just a cover: A barbed wire around my heart, the heart that bleeds and loves. It could never hurt although it was hurt too many times itself. It carries a second name PAIN, never causes pain though.
Let’s just sit down and I’ll pour you a glass of blood, my blood. Drink to life, because life you shall bring into my veins if you drink up. I want to give myself, I want to give life having the feeling of actually doing something with my life.
Drink up.
Have another glass. Make me matter.

posted by calamity @ 7/17/2006 11:59:00 pm 2 comments

The Perfect Woman

Makes you admit not that you are wrong, but that she is right. And she does this under a cover of praise to you. You have to love it. And then YOU say you’re wrong and you are grateful for realizing that.
She could convince you to sign a contract with a devil, by making you believe that this is what you truly want. She could, but she wouldn’t – she’s perfect.
She would tell you her mistakes that would make imperfectly perfect.
She would step up to you, look deep into your eyes and reveal herself, she wouldn’t make a move, she would just look with a smile on her face and tenderness in her eyes. Wait there…all naked. And she would know that she can’t get hurt.
She would fuck up, realize that, admit it, fix it, if she could and she would move on towards new mistakes, hoping there wouldn’t be many.
After a long-time-no-see she’ would greet you with SHIT, and you would know it is her – who else?
And when it’s time to say good night and sweet dreams she would say something like go to hell, or go lost yourself, or get the hell out of here – you know: THE 3 A.M. phrase. And it would be much better than the cliché. It’s her again with all of her perfect mistakes.

We all are perfect. We all are perfect in someone’s eyes. We all should think we are perfect just for a little while, just a bit, just to feel better, just to close our eyes shut from the truth. Just to hope we are not the joke we really are, not small, not pathetic… just to be someone else, just for a second.

Let me be the perfect woman.
Let me deceive myself.
Let me float.

posted by calamity @ 7/17/2006 08:56:00 pm 6 comments

I sit in my comfy chair and close my eyes.
Let the therapy start.
Peace. Silence.
Nothing but sounds of nature downloaded mp3 file playing on my computer.
Funny. I have nature right outside, yet I need my computer to play me some new age bullshit. I have THE REAL thing just outside.
Stop thinking, this is a therapy here, just relax.
My eyes are still closed, music in the back is still playing and I am waiting for my knight in shiny armor to come. But he isn’t coming, not anytime soon.
I’ll just have to sit here and wait, wait and end up being my own savior as I always have to be. If I had saved so many people, then hell, give ma a place to stand on and I will cure myself. No waiting. Depending on me is the best way. If not I only get hurt.
And yet I know that I can’t live as an island, I have no air to breathe, I would have to import it, I have to risk getting hurt in order to survive. And one day I will wake up and realize that the hurt is all I got.
Others have me, I can’t escape. Hands of other people are tearing my heart apart bit by bit. And I fell. I was defeated the moment when I first inhaled.
Now I have to live with it, have to have it or else I will suffocate while searching for the meaning that can never really be found.
I may live my life crying out loud, I may feel helpless, betrayed, but this is life, this is the only way to live and to embrace good as well.
I need to breathe…
I need to float…
I am nothing yet I am everything.
Everything is pouring from us, we give, we take, we empty ourselves more and more.
We fuck up and make it better or even not. We live with fear, with being cowards, with pain. We DO live. We struggle, although we never truly got to know a real struggle, we are better off than we thought.
And in the end we just float.

posted by calamity @ 7/17/2006 07:19:00 pm 0 comments

Am I going or am I coming?
I don’t even know where home is. I just feel like I’m leaving some place and going towards another place.
So many thoughts, so little guts to say them all out loud. Forget about it…
Excited. A fresh breeze. The one I’ve been waiting for for so long. I’ floating on it it’s taking me places I longed for, fulfilling my wishes, making me smile.
Nothing can ruin my day today, I’ll make it last forever, I’ll prolong it, I’ll stay awake.
My eyes are closing though, my dreams are calling me, I give into them just for a second, but then I turn to my paper. My all-time friend, it knows it all, even the not written. It just knows, I trust it – such a good friend. Do I rust myself or am I just faking it?
Getting closer to perfection shouldn’t include a lie and that shouldn’t be called a lie, that is just another thing, closer to some other perfection. Keeping it hidden just makes it more important, more special.
Why is it so much easier now? Cos’ I know I’ll survive? Is it all just fading?
I scared you now I must go.
Honesty is bad, it scares people off.

posted by calamity @ 7/17/2006 05:13:00 pm 5 comments

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