floating

2006/05/30

love?

Not conceived from love
A product of one night stand
A treasure to a mother
To a father a real scam

Non-existent to some
Too real to another one
Science-fiction you may feel
But to you the-only-thing-that’s-real

Burden
Lost
Scared
Fight
No!
FOUND!!!

In spite my life
Carrying so much love
Sharing, sharing, sharing
Will this make the hurt go away?
I will always share
Even if I get fucked up!

posted by calamity @ 5/30/2006 07:03:00 pm 2 comments

hide

I hid myself behind the thickest curtain and waited for life to pass by. As a serial killer it haunted me and I had to hide. I trembled behind the bloody red curtain scared that I shouldn’t breathe scared that my stocker will find me underneath. I took my breath and waited till it goes away but before it did I had to take another one and life saw my hiding place. There was a chase through rooms of past: I saw I lived before but still I hated life hunting me as its name would be death.
And then it got me as I fell on the floor, I couldn’t do it anymore. I hated running away from life, I too wanted to see the light.
Slowly filling every room, touching me, seeking for my soul – life came into my life, my past death became alive and future hope once more appeared.
Never will I hide again cos’ life and love and love and life they made who I am.

posted by calamity @ 5/30/2006 06:42:00 pm 4 comments

2006/05/27

floating 2

I'm kind of here… just floating. Now, I really can’t feel my body. is it the pain? is it the fact I had to little of sleep? and even what I had couldn’t be called sleeping I woke up a hundred times always by the same nightmare. was it a nightmare or did I just woke into a cruel reality? I feel the change it’s not like it used to be it’s not like it used to feel. But is it better or worse? I don’t know the answer to that. It’s just different. But I guess it is better than living your life in a lie I guess the truth can never be a bad thing. But still there is that feeling of someone being clown and even if you may hate it, it looks like you’re that person.
The good truth erased the bad lie and everything got back to normal a good selling line. You always end up with a bitter taste in your mouth.
But we all make mistakes. I know I did plenty. So who am I to judge? Who are you to feel bad about judging words of a paranoid woman?
I guess that this is how it goes if you care for someone. You hurt that person and then you can’t stop hurting each other about how hurtful the hurting was.
Being this freak of nature, imperfect person I have no choice but to forgive. And I’m not asking for choices I love the fact that I have nothing to choose from I love the fact that maybe not all is ruined. And if I had a chance to choose I would always choose forgiveness, always choose belief in people, always choose the friendship.
I believe I can…
I believe you can…
And I hope we can…

posted by calamity @ 5/27/2006 12:09:00 pm 0 comments

2006/05/24

CHANCES & MISTAKES

We all get chances and if we ignore them we sometimes see that as a mistake. But what if chances you take and mistakes that you make are all destined to be as they are, and even if you think you are an active participant of your own life you are really an actor playing by the script you got when you were born, the script so deeply attached to what you are, you are not even aware of it. What if we stopped asking how many chances we get? Which one is our last one?
I think we would do everything the same all over again. We would end up where we would if we tried or if we wouldn’t. We would become what we would, taking any road. Our end is determined and when you reach it doesn’t really matter what road you took to get there, because it was the road you were supposed to take.
Imagine a map with two points A and B and imagine the roads starting from A to be all tangled up going in all directions spreading to every corner of the map but all ending up in point B. Everybody starting from the same point taking all kinds of roads (roads that were named by the persons taking them) traveling through life experiencing and then stopping at the same point.
Meanwhile we are creators of those points with our birth and birth of our children we create a start point and the road that someday has to end. And by doing this we achieve immortality, infinity – although mortal we never die for as long as those points are there.

posted by calamity @ 5/24/2006 07:00:00 pm 1 comments

Stranger

We pass strangers on the street all the time, how wonderful it would be to get to know them how scary would it be to find out that every fifth beats somebody up or is beaten, that every fourth was sexually harassed or was the harasser, that every third gets drunk and aggressive on daily bases and every second is preoccupied with something better than to talk to you – and this is the reason why we don’t just come up to strangers – you are always afraid that they are some maniacs or that they will think of you as a maniac for stepping up to them. But we must have some friend and we must have met them somehow and this is called taking chances and distinguishing weed from the seed.
You would think of that person as a friend always, for as long as you live, even if that person moves away, even if the person dies before you do, even if the person would turn out to be a computer program which (or even who) has always been there for you and it had a name, a place to live, human shape, thoughts of it’s own (man were they deep) – you never know. You know it feels real right now and even if you found out the cruelest truth someday it couldn’t make all this less real. I know I’m getting freaky here but this is how you end up if you call your cyber buddies strangers just because you couldn’t shake their hand, just because you’ll never know for certain if it is them on all those photos they’ve sent you, hell you can not even be sure if they are male or female. And you can easily become paranoid: you think of them as computer programs that are there to entertain you when you need them and leave you alone when you need some piece (don’t you wish your family could be programmed this way sometimes?).
THE FUTURE OF OUR SOCIAL INTERACTION: creating profiles of our souls and putting them on display for strangers to see them and decide if they’re interested in anything you have to offer and then add them in their shopping baskets and paying for them with parts of their souls.
Who are online strangers then?
The people you ignore when they want you to add them on your contact list, the people who turned out to be freaks or liars and the people you didn’t even notice but were there all the time. They are not the people you feel comfortable with, whom you tell the only truth about yourself, to whom you share your moods and emotions and they do the same to you.
I wouldn’t call them strangers just because they don’t come in 3D version I would have to invent a new word to call them something that would mean more than a friend and less than a soul mate. And in the end it doesn’t really matter how I call them as long as I (and they) know how it feels.

posted by calamity @ 5/24/2006 05:33:00 pm 0 comments

I'm as real as you are

Are my cyber buddies real?
You only ask yourself this question when you turn off your computer and only then you perceive me (or anybody else you chat with) as a stranger. Because when you chat (it is like any addiction really) you are there to escape your cruel reality, you don’t accept your life as it is, you can not identify yourself with it. The reality that is supposed to be real is something you wish not to be real and you escape: to some foreign land, to some girl’s arms, to a karaoke contest, to find a friendship you don’t have, to explore the souls of different people, to discuss world problems (which makes you little less helpless), to have some fun, to share your thoughts, to share the things you would only share with a cyber buddy.
And it is so real. Because your soul is here to talk without being concerned or preoccupied with materialistic being – your body, current address, clothes, religion…you know all the things you think you can choose, you think they are result of your choices but then again you know we have no power to choose, we were put into this life and someone is pulling the strings and when you go online you cut yourself loose of those strings, you have no body, you’re in a place that can not be found in “reality”, your soul is floating and it is free. Now you can express not only what you are but also what you wish to be but you can’t be. You share so much greater part of you here.
NOW TELL ME WHAT IS MORE REAL!...
We all come to cyberspace as someone who we are, someone who we wish to be in every extent of our soul. How real are you now? Answer this and you will know how real I am.

posted by calamity @ 5/24/2006 04:18:00 pm 1 comments

2006/05/22

floating

Have you ever felt like floating? I have. Today as i think about it. I know i have. It must have happened to me like a hundred times before but it is only now that I noticed it. I know I have floated before but i can't remember what was it like. But I know how was it this time. It was better than flying (flying being the greatest thing one could ever experiance: air, freedom, infinity ...) - it was something more. It was like not feeling your body. You are here light as a feather and your body is there clumsy and dirty like a dog (although you don't see it this way while you are in it).
And you float on the wings of wind carrying you... it doesn't matter where as long as you are floating. You could decide which way you want to go, but you don't, because this feeling you have right now is so much better - you're FLOATING. And the space seems so much bigger to you - not scarry - full of beautiful flowers different in colour and shape, all special, but all so attaced to the earth with their roots. You would like to pick them up and take them with you, but you know that that would be their death. So you just pass them with admiration. You wish them to be there for as long as they can bringing colours into this world, making you smile, making you special - you wish they could float someday too.
And while having all this in your mind you can see where the wind is taking you: to the place where life really started for you: the place you got kissed sincerely for the first time, by the person who could love you back as strongly as YOU love. By kiss you do not mean flesh tangling to make two bodies seem as one, no. Two SOULS kissed here that night and made a bond that no force can tear.
And while you're falling to that exact point (though you don't even know where it was supposed to be but you know that this is that point) you can always take a new direction, pick a new breeze, but no, this is THE WAY to go. And you're stunned because your landing will be your death, but you are pulled by it, and IT IS OK it has to be this way, you don't regret takingh this jurney although it was short (flowers still live). The taught od dying where your life started makes you happy. Because you see it makes you immortal.
And soon on that same place two feathers will be lying tangled up, holding tight to eachother so when they burst their remainings will melt together once again.
And they will share every memory, they will be one once more, knowing that there is one little feather going through the same thing as they did.
As you're floating close to the ground... ...your senses are awakening little by little. Soon you're be gone you can feel the ground...NO! you change your mind your hand is reaching but there's nothing to hold on to...
...Then your eyes tired from the computer screen start to ajust to the dark and at the same second you reach for the switch. You turn on the light. Your soul is back in your body. You are here and you live your life on blinded by the delusion that there is no reality more real than this.

posted by calamity @ 5/22/2006 01:19:00 pm 2 comments

About Me

Name: calamity
Home: ptuj, štajerska, Slovenia
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